Neither has Brittany, or Lohan, Clinton, Obama, or even Steve down the hall in my office building.
But do you see what I did? By adding the name of a recently headline making celebrity, I (theoretically) instantly made you more interested in reading the rest of the article, despite the fact it has nothing to do with famous people. It's an example of what a good portion of our news media is trying to: trick you into spending your hard-earned time looking at their advertising and other shocking but full of useless information stories. It's a world of trapdoor journalism venomous un-news.
Do yourself a favor. Don't watch the news. Or read the news, or pay any attention to what the mass media has to offer. They have predatory instincts. Waiting with "Man kills 5 puppies, self.. tonight at eleven" lures. Hoping you'll be so shocked you'll need to tune in to see about this latest, most terrible thing. Sure they'll spill the beans, but not until they've revealed their jagged teeth and have you sucked into an hour of coming-up-nexts and how-this-thing-could-maybe-sort-of-impact-you-if-you-were-dumb-enough-to believe it. Before you know it you've lost precious doing something else time and learned very little to help you in your daily life.
On TV, their tactics are desperate. Since no one watches any more, they fill their promos with "...the warning you can't afford to miss." Because you know it's important enough for you to stay up, but not important enough to tell you ahead of time. Any dip in the median climate is a good excuse to huck an ALLERGY FRONT MOVING IN TONIGHT, TUNE IN FOR DETAILS along the bottom of your favorite reality show. Any reason, really to raise their celluloid skirts and jiggle their local-talent legs at you so you'll pull over at the next half-hour and let them hump your braincells out for a ride in your headspace.
The internet is just a tricky game of fishing. Same news being reported, but he who has the most attractive bait yields the most page hits, (and hopefully a place at the top of a large aggregate like Digg or google news). Let us consider the case of two headlines:
A) "Bird flu hits India as Turkey and Indonesia detect cases." -Reuters.
B)"A Pandemic That Wasn’t but Might Be." -The New York Times.
Essentially reporting on the same news, but one is buried deep in the Health News section of a major website, the other is about the 4th link down on one of the most popular sites on the internet.
The best part is none of this is really news, it's the same scare-tactic they've been pitching for years now. The almost-disaster, the what-if, the it-could-happen-to-you, if-we-make-it-sound-really-scary-people-will-keep-reading-it. Sure it pays to be informed about our global apocalypse before it happens, but it would be nice to make up a new one at this point.
I'm not sure about the whole Blogging-as-Journalism craze right now. I have not cast my vote yet. Just because you have an internet connection, doesn't mean I care who you are or what your opinion is (but I'll applaud your right to express it). But at least 9 out of 10 times you aren't trying to sensationalize things or trick me with a clever headline about nothing. The bloggers seem to at least give a shit about what they are writing about.
Just pick a day. One whole day. And stay away from it. The news, the internet, papers, magazines... this blog. Let the poison of redundant newscasting, recycled headlines, and flat-out pointless information seep out. You'll be amazed how little you miss it, and how clear your head is the next day.
I sincerely apologize to Heath Ledger for using his fame and tragedy as an example.
Until next time.
-I'm Dan Duchebag, reporting for channel Sux.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I blame the coffee.
For keeping me up past the allotted sleeptimer imposed by the the ticking clock of a 2-year old resting comfortably on a Nemo-cased pillow. Green lights from the mocking more predictable alarm dare me to close my eyes and pretend Sleep is around the corner, waiting with sand-weighted gloves and a couple of friends to knock the dreams out of me. The black pit (minus the crystals I believe) virtually guarantees that the poor bastards who cross my path will meet a swift red-eyed gaze and swifter hand-off to one of my unsuspecting student-hires. Except for the inevitable elite ones, who's answer only lies locked in my REM deprived grey matter. For them a labyrinth of "hmm, I'm not sure.. let me check with my supervisor." and "I'm going to have to do some research and call you back." waits. Lurking around to find out whoever tried to use those sap-gloves on me and curb-stomp his sorry ass into the starry night.
Beh, not even late enough for the real-good sleep-deprivation shit. The absolute stream of want-to-be-unconsciousness. This is me just trying to scoop off the foamy top off some useless frustration and force it on you like friggin day-old muffins at the coffee shop. Loooook.. it's 50% off. You know you want it, who can resist a good deal. Until you take a crusty like your uncle's jockeys bite and realize how hard you got screwed by that teenager in a green apron (who's getting stock options by the way). Just by stopping by here today you're out about $2.00 of your hard-earned sanity and there's no refunds on stale cynicism. Just rip off the tip jar and throw it at the bikers who always hang out not-smoking by the side-walk. They got your back when they're not sipping dendrite machiatos and quoting Tzara. If they aren't enraged by the spattering brain-change they might just realize they got their drinks all bufuckered by that asshole behind the counter and come down heavy like sand-bags on his worthless machine-gun-mouth-for-an-ass.
Anyhow this is getting pointless tonight. You're all the sorrier for sticking it out this long. And you'll never get your two-bucks back.
Beh, not even late enough for the real-good sleep-deprivation shit. The absolute stream of want-to-be-unconsciousness. This is me just trying to scoop off the foamy top off some useless frustration and force it on you like friggin day-old muffins at the coffee shop. Loooook.. it's 50% off. You know you want it, who can resist a good deal. Until you take a crusty like your uncle's jockeys bite and realize how hard you got screwed by that teenager in a green apron (who's getting stock options by the way). Just by stopping by here today you're out about $2.00 of your hard-earned sanity and there's no refunds on stale cynicism. Just rip off the tip jar and throw it at the bikers who always hang out not-smoking by the side-walk. They got your back when they're not sipping dendrite machiatos and quoting Tzara. If they aren't enraged by the spattering brain-change they might just realize they got their drinks all bufuckered by that asshole behind the counter and come down heavy like sand-bags on his worthless machine-gun-mouth-for-an-ass.
Anyhow this is getting pointless tonight. You're all the sorrier for sticking it out this long. And you'll never get your two-bucks back.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Maybe I just don't get it.
I was in college once. A while ago. For a long time. With very little to show for it. It was near the early parts of the Internet revolution. I remember needing to get a signature on a form before I could have my first internet account that let me do such awesome stuff as gopher and telnet and finger (if at least 2 of those don't make sense, you may was well stop reading. You're not in my age bracket).
A while after that is when Napster made it big. Those were the days. I was on a company-sponsored cable modem with a big fatty T3 backbone. I downloaded ill-gotten music like it was going out of style. I don't have the 'too many songs to listen to in a lifetime' disease that so many of my cohorts have. I was choosy. Underground grunge remixes and rare cuts were my trade. I downloaded like it was going out of style. And it did, in a big way. The heyday of stealing music from random strangers went by the wayside, as did my high-speed connection.
Fast-forward to a not-twenty-something age and now I'm back at college, this time in charge of whatever hapless youths I can keep interested in working for the university until they graduate. We're in the age of the download. No one pays for anything, music, movies, TV shows. Doesn't matter they're all sharing it with reckless abandon. Nothing new, again I was in college so the though of paying to download anything was pretty much unheard of.
So one day I wander in to my help desk, one of my students is busy helping a customer with some strange time-consuming dilemma. On the monitor behind him is running some nearly 1st run major blockbuster movie from not very long ago. Chinese subtitles flash on the screen, the colors are washed out and dingy looking, the resolution is straining not to pixelate on the 17' lcd panel, and every now and then you can hear an outburst of laugher or coughing or conversation from an audience that's obviously just off screen. We're talking major Hollywood Special-Effects flick, not some award-wining indie feature full of important dialog and deep messages. Stripped of all its luster and "oooh ahh" factor reduced this to looking like a video tape from a bad high-school drama.
I guess the part I'm missing is how that is enjoyable in any way. How bad do you need to watch this fantastic movie minus all the fantasy? Was my student just such a rabid fan of this Major Feature that he was willing to slog through the murky visuals and packed-house distractions? Was he unable to cough up the dough (or suck up to parents) to get in and see the thing in all its glory 4 months ago? Doubtful. This is just one example of what I've seen over and over. In college, and out. From the die-hard fan to the casual downloader. There's an urge. A compulsion to have the thing you're 'not supposed to have'. An unconscious need to buck the system no matter how bad the end product really is. But it's like doing a smash-and-grab in the second-hand store, filling your pockets with costume jewelery and broken pocket watches. Most of the time you're diluting even the minuscule elements that make the thing worth while in the 1st place. I hope you're getting something meaningful to your soul and intellect, since you're missing out on the cool stuff.
Of course there are better-quality downloads out there, and most of the people I know who engage in said behavior are choosier in their production values than I've been describing so far.
But maybe that's not what I'm getting at.
The funny thing is how well trained the media has us. How we can't resist seeing the next big movie until we've spent our hard-earned time watching it only to say "man the effects were good, but the rest of it was crap". It happens with books, music, tv, video games. They crank up the hype machine and we eat it with Soylent Green enthusiasm. We want it so badly, but we don't even know why. It permeates our culture so badly we're even willing to steal it (according to the current forms of copyright law anyway), or at least take it if it seems to be given away for free. The snake oil they're selling is often so awful, but we swallow it anyway. There seem to be precious few who can resist the lure of the blockbuster. Who are willing to pass up because it doesn't meet their needs or hold their interest. People who hold to a different set of standards. They can look at something critically and decide before hand that maybe it's not worth the time to get caught up in, rather than simply march forth with the masses to the beat of todays manufactured Top 40 hit.
Get what you want, but at least make sure you really want it. The machines have you, and they play for keeps Copper Top.
A while after that is when Napster made it big. Those were the days. I was on a company-sponsored cable modem with a big fatty T3 backbone. I downloaded ill-gotten music like it was going out of style. I don't have the 'too many songs to listen to in a lifetime' disease that so many of my cohorts have. I was choosy. Underground grunge remixes and rare cuts were my trade. I downloaded like it was going out of style. And it did, in a big way. The heyday of stealing music from random strangers went by the wayside, as did my high-speed connection.
Fast-forward to a not-twenty-something age and now I'm back at college, this time in charge of whatever hapless youths I can keep interested in working for the university until they graduate. We're in the age of the download. No one pays for anything, music, movies, TV shows. Doesn't matter they're all sharing it with reckless abandon. Nothing new, again I was in college so the though of paying to download anything was pretty much unheard of.
So one day I wander in to my help desk, one of my students is busy helping a customer with some strange time-consuming dilemma. On the monitor behind him is running some nearly 1st run major blockbuster movie from not very long ago. Chinese subtitles flash on the screen, the colors are washed out and dingy looking, the resolution is straining not to pixelate on the 17' lcd panel, and every now and then you can hear an outburst of laugher or coughing or conversation from an audience that's obviously just off screen. We're talking major Hollywood Special-Effects flick, not some award-wining indie feature full of important dialog and deep messages. Stripped of all its luster and "oooh ahh" factor reduced this to looking like a video tape from a bad high-school drama.
I guess the part I'm missing is how that is enjoyable in any way. How bad do you need to watch this fantastic movie minus all the fantasy? Was my student just such a rabid fan of this Major Feature that he was willing to slog through the murky visuals and packed-house distractions? Was he unable to cough up the dough (or suck up to parents) to get in and see the thing in all its glory 4 months ago? Doubtful. This is just one example of what I've seen over and over. In college, and out. From the die-hard fan to the casual downloader. There's an urge. A compulsion to have the thing you're 'not supposed to have'. An unconscious need to buck the system no matter how bad the end product really is. But it's like doing a smash-and-grab in the second-hand store, filling your pockets with costume jewelery and broken pocket watches. Most of the time you're diluting even the minuscule elements that make the thing worth while in the 1st place. I hope you're getting something meaningful to your soul and intellect, since you're missing out on the cool stuff.
Of course there are better-quality downloads out there, and most of the people I know who engage in said behavior are choosier in their production values than I've been describing so far.
But maybe that's not what I'm getting at.
The funny thing is how well trained the media has us. How we can't resist seeing the next big movie until we've spent our hard-earned time watching it only to say "man the effects were good, but the rest of it was crap". It happens with books, music, tv, video games. They crank up the hype machine and we eat it with Soylent Green enthusiasm. We want it so badly, but we don't even know why. It permeates our culture so badly we're even willing to steal it (according to the current forms of copyright law anyway), or at least take it if it seems to be given away for free. The snake oil they're selling is often so awful, but we swallow it anyway. There seem to be precious few who can resist the lure of the blockbuster. Who are willing to pass up because it doesn't meet their needs or hold their interest. People who hold to a different set of standards. They can look at something critically and decide before hand that maybe it's not worth the time to get caught up in, rather than simply march forth with the masses to the beat of todays manufactured Top 40 hit.
Get what you want, but at least make sure you really want it. The machines have you, and they play for keeps Copper Top.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Tales from the Help Desk
A Play
Setting- Any small private liberal arts college. One that people like me could not afford to go to when we were going to school and had to settle for seven years of state school.
Location- A small but friendly Help Desk attached to the 24/7 computer lab complete with free printing for all.
Characters-
Me: Lowly help desk manager. Somehow keeps friendly attitude despite years of tech support experience.
Awesome Help Desk Student: Unshakable undergrad, capable of handling dozens of MPM (Morons Per Minute).
Some Douchebag: Hip-looking, sallow-eyed loser. Obviously puts higher priority in clothing choice than bathing habits.
Curtain Rises.
Some Douchebag- "Do you have any computer paper I could have?"Me- "You could go to the bookstore and maybe buy some."
Some Douchebag- "Yeah, but that's expensive."
Me-"So you'd rather just steal it from me? We have to pay for that you know."
Help Desk Student- "For a cheaper alternative you could shop at any of the large discount office supply stores nearby."
Some Douchebag- [walks away dejectedly... likely to come back and steal paper from the printer trays later anyway]
End.
Lesson- If you're going to an expensive college and can already afford a computer, printer, and ink/toner for said printer; please come up with a creative story to get the jaded help desk people to give you free paper you don't deserve.
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